Sex and Technology: In the Beginning...

The story of sex and technology, as far as we can tell, starts in the Upper Paleolithic era, something like 30,000 years ago. In addition to cave paintings depicting people actually using these things on each other in the stone-age equivalent of internet porn, we have some surviving examples of the actual dildos that were supposedly used, much to her surprise and delight. These devices were made of stone, bone, wood, or tar, basically the closest that our ice-age ancestors could get to high-grade silicone without first inventing modern industry.

Archeologists, upon making this discovery, were understandably embarrassed and scandalized at realizing that their great-great-great. . . great grandparents were not only having sex, but seemed like they were actually kind of kinky. I mean, a dildo chipped out of stone? That's heavy duty. Apparently it was multifunctional too. The item pictured above had a second purpose, being used along with a flint for starting fires. That's two ways to keep her warm.

So, back to the archeologists. In a bid to reclaim their lost innocence after learning things they didn't want to know, they invented an alternate explanation for the purpose for devices of this type. No, these obviously penis-looking things aren't actually dildos. They were weapons, batons to be exact. This explanation has the added benefit of ensuring that History retained its PG rating (for violent content and occasional strong language), otherwise we would no longer be able to teach it in schools. And so, for a time, the status quo was preserved.

Then one archeologist, a very stern-looking gentleman named Dr. Albert Something-or-other, Ph.D. picked up the implement of war and held it threateningly aloft, testing its heft and balance. The other archeologists, bless them, they tried. They really tried to hold in the sniggers, but it was just too much. One of the women couldn't take it anymore and giggled out loud. "I'm sorry, Bert," she said, "but is that a baton in your hand, or are you just happy to see me?" And so, the illusion that your parents, grandparents, and so on never had sex was shattered and the room burst into laughter as Bert sighed and put down the sex toy.

And so that is how we came to recognize that technology has been a partner to sex for a very long time. No one is quite sure when condoms first showed up, definitely by the 17th century, but possibly much earlier. Interestingly, civilizations as far back as ancient Egypt may have used insertable devices called pessaries, kind of like a diaphragm, and they might have been effective to some degree. The one in the picture below came in a box of twelve and were usually enjoyed with coffee.

Much to everyone's annoyance, it wasn't until 1734 that someone found the decency to finally invent a vibrator, and even then, the thing was kind of pathetic. The "Tremoussoir" was operated by a clock spring, so you had to wind it up to use it. Crossing sci-fi sub-genres, we went from stonepunk to clockpunk and have finally arrived at steampunk with "The Manipulator", which looks a bit like something that you might use to pull a train, or for deep-frying chicken.

These devices were expensive, so they were mainly reserved for physicians in the treatment of "hysteria", a condition prevalent up into the early 20th century, which traditionally involved bringing a woman to orgasm with your fingers. This device freed up the doctor's hands, which could be put to more useful duties, such as turning up the volume on the football game while he waits for the pretty, young, unmarried lady in his office to experience an earth-shattering climax while under his care.

(Hmm, making a note here: earn medical license and invent time machine.)

We hit the 20th century running, with battery-operated vibrators, pornography, birth control pills, phone sex, and way, way better sex toys all appearing during or right around this hundred year period. In the 21st, things just keep getting better. In subsequent articles, I'll talk about how I anticipate some of the technologies that are emerging right now, or which seem just around the corner, will expand and enrich the possibilities for our sex lives.